No one said recovery would be easy..

I often find myself reflecting on this journey of recovery I’m on, and every place along the way I’ve found myself in.
And a lot of times those moments are filled with such regret.
I look down at my arm(s) and wonder why I ever picked up a blade in the first place.
And wonder even more why it’s been such a long road and why I’m still on it.

And most of the time I don’t have an answer.
This isn’t the ideal path that I would have preferred to be on.
And sometimes it’s hard.
But I know that despite the difficult days, God is preparing such an awesome testimony.
And you’d think that would make recovery all the easier.
I wish that it did.
I think this is the first time I’ve ever been serious about recovery.
Sure, there were times when I went two years without self harm.
But looking back, I don’t think it’s because I was serious about recovery.
I just ignored that part of my life. Until it found it’s way back.
And recovery is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

But the comforting thing is, I know that I don’t have to harm myself because I think I deserve it. And what better day to have that thought than Good Friday?
Christ already took all my sin and shame with Him on the cross that day.
I’ve been redeemed.

And while some days I have a hard time remembering that, I have some pretty great people in my life that remind me.


fifty three

Today is fifty three days that I have been self harm free.
Back in January when I had a minor relapse, I was at sixty four days.
I’m almost back to that point.
And I’m not sure exactly how I feel.

I almost feel like the more and more that I count the days, the more I feel like I’m sabotaging myself by counting.
I’ve made it to two years on two different occasions.
But it’s getting to ninety days that seems toΒ always be the big mountain I have to climb over.
And it’s like, the closer I get, it scares me.

Days like this I have to remind myself that I’m worth recovery and I’m worth the difficult days and hard fought battles.

I’m worth it.
I’m worth it.
I’m worth it.

March is an interesting month..

I say that because it’s typically a hard month for me.
This Tuesday, the 19th, will be 11 years since my dad passed away.
Eleven years.
That seems like an eternity.
And in a way it is.
There have been so many changes in my life from the time I was 13, until now.
And most years, I spent March 19th dwelling on the past and everything that was missed out on and the things that would be missed.

But I think finally, I’m in a place where instead of dwelling on the past, I can look forward to the day that I get to see my dad again in the presence of the Almighty and I can’t help but smile.

Life changed in an instance.


But if there’s one thing that I’ve learned is that it’s okay to not be okay.
And it’s okay to be okay.
And I’m thankful for the people in my life that remind me of that.