Halfway There.

Today, I celebrate 180 days of recovery. Otherwise referred to as six months. Six months! That’s half a year!

It’s honestly hard to fathom that it’s been that long. I feel like it was just last month that I celebrated 90 days. And now I’ve doubled that.
And if I’m being completely honest, I didn’t think that I would make it to 180 days.
July has probably been one of the hardest months I’ve had in awhile.
And there were several days where I wanted to walk away from recovery completely, and more days than I’d like to admit where I flirted with the line between recovery and relapse.
But I know that there would have been even more of those days if it weren’t for a handful of people that have become my best friends and have saved me in more ways than I think they will ever know.
And this post is for them.

Lizzy- I honestly don’t know what I would do without you. You have come alongside me through this in such an impacting way that it leaves me speechless at times. You have so much love to offer and I am blessed that I am able to call you my friend. It’s crazy to think that I’ve only known you for such a short time. I could not have made it through this past month without you. Thank you for willingly walking this road with me. Thank you for being a part of my story.

Kristina- I knew about you before I met you. And you have lived up to every positive thing that I had heard of you. Your friendship means so much to me. I’m glad that I’ve gotten the opportunity to get to know you this summer and look forward to growing our friendship even more. Thank you for walking this road with me. Your sense of humor has made even the worst days bearable. And for that, I am beyond grateful.

Chandler- I’ve known you since January, but I feel like over this summer is when our friendship became what it is. I don’t know what I would do without you. Whether it be a random text to make my day or the many laughs we’ve shared in my office, I have appreciated every moment we’ve had. Thank you for walking this road with me. It means more to me than you will ever know.

Brandon- The fact that I’ve only known you since the beginning of the summer blows my mind sometimes. You have been such a positive influence in my life. Your sarcasm and wit are some of the best I have seen. I’m not sure what I would have done this past month without you. You have kept me sane on days where I wanted to just give up, but never made me feel guilty for having bad days. Thank you for walking this road with me.

Ryan- Your constant positivity inspires and encourages me more than you know. You challenge me to want to become the best me that I can be and you have encouraged me to never give up on myself or my dreams. It has been such a privilege to reconnect with you over the past few months. Thank you for bringing out the best in me and for believing in me at times when I didn’t.

Murr- I honestly don’t even know where to start. You have been part of this journey since day 1 back in November. Every bump and every victory, you have been there. When I relapsed in January, you didn’t freak out. You didn’t walk away. You stayed and continued to walk with me. You don’t let me give the easy or sugar coated answers when you ask me the tough questions and you aren’t afraid to ask the tough questions. And even when the answers to those questions are difficult for me to give, you stay. You have had the biggest impact on not only this journey of recovery, but on my life in general. You believed in me at time when I could have easily just totally given up and not cared what the consequences would have been. You believed in me when I didn’t. You have brought out the best in me and a part of me that I thought that I’d lost a long time ago. You inspire and encourage me to be a better person. I know that I would not be here if it weren’t for you. Thank you for walking with me on this journey. I am beyond thankful for you and look forward to the days to come.

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I could honestly sit here and write something about just about all of you, but that would take me all night. Just know that even if you weren’t mentioned by name, does NOT mean that I haven’t noticed or appreciated you being in my life and being a part of this journey. Most of you have already been told that. You are all such beautiful people and have brought out the best in me. I am so thankful for all of you and at times can’t believe how much God has blessed me by placing you all in my life. You are incredible people and as thankful as I am that you are a part of my story, I’m even more thankful to be a part of yours.

Thank you for the company during the past six months.
I look forward to continuing this journey with you all.

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Sometimes this journey sucks..

I generally try to stay positive when it’s come to this journey of recovery that I’ve been on for the last 154 days.. But there are some days, where that’s all but impossible.
When the circumstances around you are out of your control, you really start to question recovery and if it was meant for you.
Without elaborating too much on the current situation I find myself in, let me just say, it’s not pretty. It’s not fun being caught in the middle of something that is absolutely out of your control, no matter who’s side you agree with.
I will say, the events that have taken place and that look to be in the horizon, are some of the hardest that I’ve found myself in.
And I don’t know how to make the best of it.
“You’ll get through it,” they say.
“You can do it,” they say.
Stop.

Your added pressure does not help me. Not one bit.

I’ve spent the past two mornings finding a hideout here at the church to pray and to just be still.
It’s been much needed.
Yesterday was a wonderful time of prayer and just seeking after Jesus.
Today, felt 100% counterproductive in every way imaginable.

There was a complete difference in what I took away from each day.

Tuesday’s thoughts:

Redemption- ransomed or restored by the payment of a price. To be redeemed also implies being rescued, liberated, and set free. -Ephesians 1:7-10-
Christ has redeemed me. I have been set free from the chains of self harm.
Peace:
Philippians 4:7
Your peace is bigger than this situation. It is bigger than the drug addiction. Bigger than the threats of divorce. Bigger than my desire to harm myself. -Romans 5:3-5-
Recovery:
Reasons to continue: worked too hard to get to 153 days, access to a GREAT support system, they’ve invested a lot of time, energy, and patience.. It’s worth it. I’m worth it.
Reasons to not continue (I put a big “X” through this list): it’s easier to relapse; easier to clean up the “mess” (physically && emotionally), don’t have to deal with overwhelming situations, it’s a part of me.
Good: 153 days; 47 to go!
Bad: tried to relapse Sunday night; attempted to cut- nothing happened.
It’s okay to be honest about the bad. It’s okay to not be okay.

I am more than my self harm – it no longer defines me. I am identified with Christ who lives in me. Satan has no power over my life. I have been redeemed. I am not defined by the scars on my body. My scars show the battles I have fought and won. They are not a sign of weakness or defeat. I no longer have to take the scars on my own flesh. Jesus took them so I wouldn’t have to.
Recovery is worth it because I’m worth it. I am surrounded by people that will lift me up, not tear me down. People that will stick by my side no matter what. Whether it’s day 153 or day 3 – they will still be there every step of the way.
I no longer fight this battle alone, and I will stop acting like I do. I will share the good and the bad – no matter how hard or uncomfortable it is. I will continue to walk side by side with the people God has placed along this journey, knowing that if I fall, they will catch me (trust fall). I will continue to walk in recovery because I deserve it. It’s not solely counted by the number of “good days” but a combination of good and bad. This is my journey. And it is far from being finished;

Wednesday’s thoughts:

if i’m being totally honest right now, i am not okay. i am far from being okay. days like today, like the past four days, make me want to totally wash my hands of this whole recovery process. i question absolutely everything. i do not expect it to be this freaking hard. is it worth it? am i worth it? everyone around me would say that it is and that i am.. but in all reality, what does it matter to them? it’s easy for someone else to sit there and say, “Oh Brandi, I’m so proud of you! You can do this! It’s worth it in the end!” ugh. stahhhp!
your added pressure does NOT help me at all!! i feel like the past month of this journey has been for other people and not myself.. the constant “i don’t want to let this person down or this person or etc”. all i want to do is relapse. period. i can control that. i’m in charge. i either cut or i don’t. i cut a little or a lot. i feel it or i don’t. -Psalm 13-
why is it despite the fact that i have so many great people that have come alongside me for this journey, do i feel so utterly alone? is it because i have a hard time letting my walls come down? walls are easier to manage in life than having to worry about the constant disappointment from me relapsing. if people don’t about the struggle, they don’t know about the relapse. if they don’t know about the relapse, then it doesn’t have to count. i can carry on with counting days, and no one knows any different. it could be day 154 or day 1. as long as they couldn’t see anything on me, it ultimately wouldn’t matter.

This.
This is the realities of what self harm does to your life.
It’s not pretty.
It’s not glamourous.
It’s a mess.
And it won’t go down without a fight.