Reclaiming Hope Series: Choosing to Stay
I think in life when we walk through something really difficult, there are several different choices that we can make. We can choose to own it or let it own us. We can choose to run away or we can choose to stay.
And when our first and natural instinct is to run, choosing to stay can prove to be difficult. But it’s in that moment that we choose to stay that we find the most healing and redemption.
For me, my first reaction is to run. I will try with everything in me to push people so far away from me that there’s no possibility that they would ever come back. And then to my surprise, they continue to love me through the really difficult moments and you would think that would make everything better. But it doesn’t. At least, not at first.
Once I start pushing you away, it can be really hard for me to stop. You can sit there and tell me countless times that you aren’t going anywhere and that you’re in my corner, but I still push. It’s not because I don’t want you there. It’s because I’ve convinced myself that you don’t really want to be there so I continue to give you reasons to leave. But there you stay.
And it’s in the middle of those moments where I’m pushing people away that I’ve already given up. And this situation was no different. I stood there with as much of a smile on my face as I could muster through the tears and promised that I would be back. I hugged necks and said that it was only temporary. But in that very moment, I didn’t know if I would be or not.
In that moment I thought that I had broken things with friends past the point of repairing and wondered to myself what even was the point of trying to fix things with them.
I was ready to run. Ready to give the sugar coated answers that I would be back soon, all while knowing that I really didn’t know. Some answer was better than no answer because it bought me some time.
And then it hit me. Or rather God hit me in one of those “shoulda had a V8″ moments. I had a choice to make. I had to choose which way I was going to go: continuing on this path of self destruction that I’d found myself on or the path of a victorious comeback. I couldn’t have both.
So I made a choice.
My choice is to stay. To fight for my story. To own my story, even the really difficult parts of it. To rebuild what was broken. To walk in my calling. To live my faith by loving relentlessly.
Choosing all of this is hard. Rebuilding things is hard. But struggle produces growth. And I’m lucky that I don’t have to do any of that alone.
It doesn’t matter how many times we fall. What matters is that we choose to stand back up again. And I’m choosing to stand and choosing to stay.
I know the calling that God has placed on my heart. I also know that I’m so incredibly stubborn and try to insist that I can do it all on my own. I’m thankful for a Father that is much more stubborn and friends that keep me in check.
Living a life of transparency is difficult. But it’s so beautiful.
Won’t you join me?