Like a Ton of Bricks.

Last Monday, I had the daunting task of saying goodbye to my mom.
In the blink of an eye, everything in my life changed.
An aneurysm ruptured in her brain and in the blink of an eye, she was gone.

The initial phone calls and conversations led me to be irritated more than anything.
I didn’t want to spend my Sunday afternoon at the hospital.
I figured and assumed that it was just a result of some poor choices she had made once again, and didn’t see the need to waste an afternoon there.
But I went.

When the doctor came in and told us what he thought was going on and that we send her to Tulsa, my annoyance turned to concern.
Crap. There really is something wrong.
Upon finding out later that night that it was an aneurysm that had ruptured and that there was nothing that could be done, I began to deal with the fact that at 25, I was going to be without both of my parents.

Last Monday, around 11 that morning, I said goodbye to my mom.
She danced into the arms of Jesus and was welcomed by her mother and my dad.
She doesn’t hurt anymore.
But that doesn’t take away the hurt that’s been left here.

It’s hard to wrap my mind around the fact that after twelve years apart, my parents are together again.
It’s even harder knowing that I will be without them for awhile.
I used to think that I wanted to be much older and more accomplished in life when Jesus returned, if it happened in my lifetime.
But now, well, I wouldn’t be too upset if He came back tomorrow.

If I’m being honest, and this is the place where I seem to share my brutally honest thoughts, I haven’t prayed, like really honestly prayed, since last Sunday.
It hurts to pray.
And right now, I’m a little angry at God.
I’m trying my hardest to hold on to the promises of His word and to tell myself that He is still in control and is still sovereign, but it’s hard.
I mean really hard.

It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with self harm for almost a decade now.
The past fifteen months, I’ve found myself in a good path of recovery.
But again, if I’m being honest, I want to relapse.
I don’t even like the idea of that.
I don’t like the idea of cutting.
It honestly makes me cringe thinking about it.
But I don’t have words for what I’m feeling right now, and quite honestly, I don’t want to feel anything.
I’ve worked incredibly hard the last year and a half, and a lot of people have fought with me, and by no means do I want to let them down.
But this isn’t a scenario that I ever planned for.

Please don’t think that this post is my admission or declaration of giving up.
I am by no means giving up.
But I am fighting one heck of a battle right now, and I’m barely hanging on right now.
My answers have become so routine now.
I get the same questions ten plus times a day, so I flip on my little switch and just recite the same answers.

No one prepares you for this.
No one teaches you how to deal with this.
Life is heavy right now.

I know that I will be okay again.
But that day is not today.
Right now, I’m simply just existing.
And that’s all I can do.

 

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