Does Recovery Ever Take a Day Off?

I’ve often wondered this question.
More so here lately.
And I don’t think I have a clear answer yet.

Does recovery take a day off?
I’m not talking about relapsing, I don’t think.
But is there ever a day when I don’t drive myself crazy striving for this imaginary goal of “recovery”?

What even is recovery?
Is it a certain number of days, that once I reach, I’m recovered or all better?
If that’s the case, then what is that number?
Is it 200 days?
Well if so, then I’m recovered, right?
Is it 300 days?
A year?
When can I look back on all of this and say, “Yes. I’m recovered. I no longer struggle with this.”?

Or is the saying true, “Once a cutter, always a cutter.”?

I haven’t cut in 224 days.
Does that mean, I’m not one anymore?
Or is the simple fact that I once did, I always will be?

When did recovery become about everyone else?
Not wanting to let people down or disappoint them.
And how do I make it not about them?

I’ve often thought that painting on a smile and letting everyone think I was okay was the easiest thing to do.
And it still is.

It’s much easier to just suck up what’s going on right now and carry on with my life.
Summer is over.
And so is the simplicity behind it.

Most people assume that I’m alright, so I might as well just let them keep thinking that.
There’s entirely too much going on to bother correcting them.
So assume it is.

But you know what they say about assuming, right?
Yeah, so do I.


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