I generally try to stay positive when it’s come to this journey of recovery that I’ve been on for the last 154 days.. But there are some days, where that’s all but impossible.
When the circumstances around you are out of your control, you really start to question recovery and if it was meant for you.
Without elaborating too much on the current situation I find myself in, let me just say, it’s not pretty. It’s not fun being caught in the middle of something that is absolutely out of your control, no matter who’s side you agree with.
I will say, the events that have taken place and that look to be in the horizon, are some of the hardest that I’ve found myself in.
And I don’t know how to make the best of it.
“You’ll get through it,” they say.
“You can do it,” they say.
Your added pressure does not help me. Not one bit.
I’ve spent the past two mornings finding a hideout here at the church to pray and to just be still.
It’s been much needed.
Yesterday was a wonderful time of prayer and just seeking after Jesus.
Today, felt 100% counterproductive in every way imaginable.
There was a complete difference in what I took away from each day.
Redemption- ransomed or restored by the payment of a price. To be redeemed also implies being rescued, liberated, and set free. -Ephesians 1:7-10-
Christ has redeemed me. I have been set free from the chains of self harm.
Your peace is bigger than this situation. It is bigger than the drug addiction. Bigger than the threats of divorce. Bigger than my desire to harm myself. -Romans 5:3-5-
Reasons to continue: worked too hard to get to 153 days, access to a GREAT support system, they’ve invested a lot of time, energy, and patience.. It’s worth it. I’m worth it.
Reasons to not continue (I put a big “X” through this list): it’s easier to relapse; easier to clean up the “mess” (physically && emotionally), don’t have to deal with overwhelming situations, it’s a part of me.
Good: 153 days; 47 to go!
Bad: tried to relapse Sunday night; attempted to cut- nothing happened.
It’s okay to be honest about the bad. It’s okay to not be okay.
I am more than my self harm – it no longer defines me. I am identified with Christ who lives in me. Satan has no power over my life. I have been redeemed. I am not defined by the scars on my body. My scars show the battles I have fought and won. They are not a sign of weakness or defeat. I no longer have to take the scars on my own flesh. Jesus took them so I wouldn’t have to.
Recovery is worth it because I’m worth it. I am surrounded by people that will lift me up, not tear me down. People that will stick by my side no matter what. Whether it’s day 153 or day 3 – they will still be there every step of the way.
I no longer fight this battle alone, and I will stop acting like I do. I will share the good and the bad – no matter how hard or uncomfortable it is. I will continue to walk side by side with the people God has placed along this journey, knowing that if I fall, they will catch me (trust fall). I will continue to walk in recovery because I deserve it. It’s not solely counted by the number of “good days” but a combination of good and bad. This is my journey. And it is far from being finished;
if i’m being totally honest right now, i am not okay. i am far from being okay. days like today, like the past four days, make me want to totally wash my hands of this whole recovery process. i question absolutely everything. i do not expect it to be this freaking hard. is it worth it? am i worth it? everyone around me would say that it is and that i am.. but in all reality, what does it matter to them? it’s easy for someone else to sit there and say, “Oh Brandi, I’m so proud of you! You can do this! It’s worth it in the end!” ugh. stahhhp!
your added pressure does NOT help me at all!! i feel like the past month of this journey has been for other people and not myself.. the constant “i don’t want to let this person down or this person or etc”. all i want to do is relapse. period. i can control that. i’m in charge. i either cut or i don’t. i cut a little or a lot. i feel it or i don’t. -Psalm 13-
why is it despite the fact that i have so many great people that have come alongside me for this journey, do i feel so utterly alone? is it because i have a hard time letting my walls come down? walls are easier to manage in life than having to worry about the constant disappointment from me relapsing. if people don’t about the struggle, they don’t know about the relapse. if they don’t know about the relapse, then it doesn’t have to count. i can carry on with counting days, and no one knows any different. it could be day 154 or day 1. as long as they couldn’t see anything on me, it ultimately wouldn’t matter.
This is the realities of what self harm does to your life.
It’s not pretty.
It’s not glamourous.
It’s a mess.
And it won’t go down without a fight.