Counting down to 90..

This is a number that for awhile, I didn’t think I would ever see again.

This is a road that I’ve been on since November.
Yes, you read that right, November.
And in that time I managed to reach 64 days of continuous recovery before relapse crept up on me in January.
And let me tell you, I thought my world had completely fallen apart at that point.
Trying to stay positive and upbeat about it doesn’t help matters much either.
Opening up isn’t easy for me. And as you could imagine, I did not want to talk about it.
But I reluctantly did.
And for that, I am thankful.

In the days since my relapse, I have been able to create open and honest dialogue about the realities of self harm.
The good. The bad. The uncomfortable. The addiction.

And now I’m sitting here at 79 days.

If you’re wondering why 90 is the number I’m shooting for, let me fill you in.
It’s been fairly easy for me to reach 60 days on multiple occasions.
In fact, I’ve actually made it two years being self harm free on two separate occasions.
But honestly, those numbers were achieved not because I was being intentional about recovery, but rather because I ignored the process. 
My new way of dealing was to keep myself as busy as I possibly could.
Whether that be an overwhelming course load in school or working as much and as often as I could.
But it seemed like any time that recovery was intentional, making it to 90 days was the most difficult part.

I started this new journey to 90 days the end of January.
And it has been a difficult one.
But because of where I’m at in my life and the people in it, I’ve been able to create an ongoing conversation and share this journey with people.

I’m so thankful for the people that are taking this journey with me.
I don’t take it lightly.
I know how hard this is.
I know how overwhelming it can get at times.
There are days when I just don’t want to do it anymore.
And if it weren’t for the people in my life, I think I might have already given up.

Recovery is hard when it’s intentional.
When you open up about some really dark and scary thoughts and moments of your life.
When you stare your addiction in the face and bring people along with you.
But in the end, it’s the most beautiful thing to have.

In 11 more days, I will celebrate a milestone that I’ve been working towards for almost six months.
It won’t mean that the journey is over.
And it won’t mean that recovery will be over.
But it will mean that I am more than my self harm.
It will mean my story is far from being finished.

To those walking this journey with me, the hardest part is almost behind us.
Thank you for sticking with me.



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